"What? So What? Now What? . . .Three Very Important Questions"

Many years ago, we heard these questions used by another ministry and it stayed with us throughout our years of counseling.  Actually, these three questions can be applied in a variety of situations where a decision is needed.  However, we found it to be most helpful when referring to issues of the heart and whether or not healing--especially relational healing--is needed.  Let me (Jerry) make this more personal.

A Personal Application - The Power of Fear (Shame)

For as far back as I can remember, I functioned from a core lie--that being that "I was not OK."  This is (toxic) shame.  I didn't necessarily go around thinking this, but my feelings and actions in various circumstances demonstrated that this was active in my life.  For example, in my younger years and into high school, I had a strong fear of failure.  As a result, this fear and anxiety would, at times, negatively affect my performance.  I still did well in certain things, but the anxiety was still strong.  As I moved into college and then my subsequent employment (teaching), I would often "over prepare" for things, to make sure that I wouldn't be caught without knowing an answer to a question--again the fear of failure (shame) was driving my behavior.  Overall, I did well in my positions but it was causing major problems early in my marriage with Denise.  My over-preparation and the time it involved took time away from our relationship.  In other words, my fear caused me to emotionally abandon Denise.  Over time I learned to adjust somewhat to this driving fear, but it still was present. 

"My emotional wounds caused me to close off my heart

and shut down my emotions."

On top of this, my emotional wounds (that I didn't know existed) caused me to close off my heart and shut down my emotions--again not a good thing in a marriage or other close relationships.  For Denise it again felt like "emotional abandonment," and that wasn't what I wanted to communicate but I didn't know how to change things.

How Things Started to Change

When I was 33 years old and having been married for 13 years, I ended up giving my heart to the Lord--something I had not fully done previously.  In the process I told the Lord that I wanted Him to do whatever He needed to do in me so I could love Him and others more.  I surrendered my heart to Him, not really realizing what that meant.  He took me at my word and over the next couple of years He started a process of "breaking me down" and exposing what was really going on inside of me.  This was a very loving thing, but at the time it didn't necessarily feel that way.  As He began to tear down all of the protective (defense) mechanisms I had used up to that point, I started to feel things at a level I had never felt before.  These included panic attacks, claustrophobia, intrusive thoughts, depression and other very difficult issues.  I also started to experience some physical problems, including blood pressure problems.

Applying the "What? So What? Now What? Process

Though I had not heard of this questioning process, I was actually putting into practice.  Here's how it went:

What?  What was happening to me?

Answer:  I was falling apart emotionally and physically, as expressed above.

So What?  Did it matter?  Was it a "big deal?"  Was it causing problems with me and with others?

Answer:  YES!  Definitely!  I needed to do something about it.

Now What?  What can I do about this?  Is there a way to understand and to heal from this?

Answer:  YES!  I realized that I needed someone to help me and I started meeting with a Pastoral Counselor. 

Over the course of the next couple of years, he helped me understand the root causes of these issues and helped me start a path of healing that ultimately led me to change professions and begin helping others.  Interestingly, I knew in my heart that God was very much behind all that was going on with my "breakdown," but my praying to Him was not enough to resolve things.  He wanted me to open up and trust someone who could help and guide me through the healing process.  Over time, great healing did occur--along with realizing those things in my development that I needed that I didn't receive, as well as those things that I received that I didn't need.  I had to feel my emotions (finally), grieve the losses and forgive.  It wasn't easy, but I am so glad that it occurred and during this process it was one of the times that I felt the closest to God.

A Video Clip That Might Help

Recently we were interviewed by Kyle Winkler (Kyle Winkler Ministries) on his weekly "Shut Up Devil" live show/podcast and we talked about these three questions for which this article is based.  This clip, taken from the 28-minute interview, is just under three minutes in length and we encourage you to view it.  Just click HERE or on the image to open.

 The full interview can be seen on Kyle's website where he continues to offer a special package to obtain our book, The Missing Commandment: Love Yourself along with a downloadable link to our seven-session, 45-minute teaching that can be used with the book.  Here is a link to that offer: Love Yourself Package.

If you would like to view this 28-minute interview, click HERE.

Summary

If you are struggling emotionally (and possibly spiritually) in any area, go ahead and ask yourself these three questions we describe in this article.  Be honest with yourself.  If you're especially brave, ask someone close to you how they see things with you.  You don't have to wait to do this, but remember, it is never too late to pursue healing!

Blessings,

Jerry and Denise Basel

www.jerryanddenisebasel.com

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