"2026 Resolution #1 'Identifying and Removing Toxic Shame'"

Throughout all of the years that we have counseled individuals and couples, one of the most common and destructive issues that we encountered was the presence of toxic shame. 

NOTE:  Many simply refer to this as “shame,” but we include the word “toxic” as we believe that there can be a “healthy” shame that is related to actions we take that are ungodly or harmful. This type of shame (often referred to as “guilt”) can cause us to have sorrow over those actions and lead us to an appropriate response (i.e., apologize and ask for forgiveness).

Toxic shame is so universal, that prior to coming to us for intensive counseling, we had every counselee read a chapter we wrote on this topic and included it in our book, The Missing Commandment: Love Yourself.

Why Is This So Important?

The reason that we titled this blog post "Resolution Number 1, if you choose to make resolutions for the new year (and even if you don’t), this is so important that it should go to the top of the list.  Toxic shame, which started with Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden, is either responsible for or somehow involved in so many harmful emotional and relational issues.  Unfortunately, it often goes undetected or “stays under the radar” when the “here and now” issues take precedence.  Another major challenge with identifying and removing destructive, toxic shame is that it can manifest in various ways.  For example, it can be present in someone who overtly demonstrates a very low, self-image and often has a very difficult time making decisions.  In another person it may cause him or her to be overtly very opinionated and demonstrate the need to always be “right.”  Yet, in someone else, he or she may be very quiet and find it difficult to engage in real conversation.  And finally, it may be the driving force in someone who easily exhibits anger when triggered by many different things.

Rooted in Lies

The core issue that is at the root of toxic shame is the belief we hold concerning ourselves.  There are people who are very aware that they are holding on to ungodly beliefs or lies about themselves.  However, what is especially challenging is that when many people are asked if they believe a negative statement or lie about themselves, their conscious mind can frequently cause them to respond, “of course not!”  Unfortunately, many of these people are actually responding at that very moment with a lie!  They aren’t consciously responding untruthfully, but when they look (or allow someone to help them look) deeper at their behaviors and responses to different situations (like the examples mentioned above), it becomes evident that toxic shame and associated lies are driving things.

Shame Rules and Messages

Toxic shame can form very early in a child’s development—some believe as early as between two and four years of age.  Of course, other shaming events, such as emotional or physical abuse or abandonment or sexual abuse, can occur at older ages and result in a strong root of toxic shame.  One of the things that we often shared with counselees to help them identify if (and when) shame started in their lives is a listing of possible “Shaming Rules and Messages.”  If present, these often started at a young age.  Take a look at the link we’ve included at the end of this section and remember, you may not have necessarily remembered hearing these things spoken, but somehow you just knew that they were true when you were growing up. (Shame Rules and Messages)

Removing Toxic Shame

Now that you have identified toxic shame and how it became a part of you, the next step is to begin to dismantle the false beliefs or lies that are at the root of these.  This often involves grieving the cost of living with this shame, forgiving others who were involved in helping to establish the core lies and forgiving yourself for how your toxic shame has affected others.  We believe we also have to come out of agreement with these lies and come into agreement with what God the Father believes about you and how He sees you.  This may take some time and may require the help of someone else (i.e. a counselor or trusted and knowledgeable friend) to work through this process.  It likely will be painful, but don’t avoid it or give up on it, as it can truly change your life!

Going Deeper in Identifying and Healing from Toxic Shame

For a more complete understanding of this topic, examples of how it has personally affected your life, and greater detail on how to find healing, we recommend you read the chapter, “Shame and the Lies We Believe,” (at the link below) from our book, “The Missing Commandment: Love Yourself (Expanded Edition)” (Chapter 8 - Shame and the Lies We Believe)

Blessings,

Jerry and Denise Basel

www.jerryanddenisebasel.come

---------------

If you aren't currently receiving these posts in your email inbox and would like to do so, click HERE, and complete the "Subscribe" information that is present at the bottom of the page.

TO SHARE THIS POST: We hope you will share this blog post on your own social media sites and direct those you know to partake in this opportunity. Use the links at the bottom of this page to help us spread this healing message of "loving ourselves the way God does."

BOOKS AND MEDIA: All of our publication resources are available at jerryanddenisebasel.com and Amazon.com.