"Toxic Shame - A Personal Story"

(In a prior Post, “Things We Have Observed from Counseling Others For 25 Years," we indicated that we would be sharing some things that we had observed that were common to many individuals or couples. This Writing addresses one of those items. If you would like to read our initial Post mentioned above, you can go to https://bit.ly/4vQuXJ1.   

 The Presence of Toxic Shame

Over the course of counseling hundreds of people over the years, we have observed that virtually all people have some degree of toxic shame. Many simply refer to this as “shame,” but we include the word “toxic” as we believe that there can be a “healthy” shame that is related to actions we take that are ungodly or harmful. This latter type of shame (often referred to as “guilt”) can cause us to have sorrow over those actions and lead us to an appropriate response (i.e., apologize and ask for forgiveness).

What is Toxic Shame?

The core issue that is at the root of toxic shame is the belief we hold concerning ourselves. However, we may not be in touch with these beliefs but our actions reveal that they are present. A simple way to think about healthy shame (true guilt) versus toxic shame is how you look at a mistake or error that you make. Healthy shame says, "I made a mistake and I will do what I can to take responsibility for that (i.e., apologize, work to avoid doing that in the future). Toxic shame says, "I didn't just make a mistake, I AM a mistake." It may not come out with exactly those thoughts but the feelings of inadequacy and inferiority are present and can remain for quite a while. It is the "default" feelings or thoughts when we "blow it." It is the opposite of how God views us and our sins or mistakes. He doesn't make it our identity but we often do.

A Personal Story

As mentioned, toxic shame can manifest in a variety of ways. I (Jerry) developed a "shame-based" identity very early in my life and it caused me to live with the fear of making a mistake or not measuring up. It was very strong in my life until I came to a saving faith in Jesus Christ and allowed Him access to the places where that started and to bring His healing love to where the fear and lies were present. One story, that might seem a bit "over the top" for some, goes back to when I played baseball during my senior year of high school. For the first half of that season I played second base. I was good at retrieving balls that were hit to me, but in the back of my mind I was always afraid that I would somehow mess up. This strong fear would frequently result in me throwing the ball away when throwing it to first base. The cartoon shown here from the "Far Side Collection" by Gary Larson (popular from the early 80's to early 90's) makes me laugh, however, I felt like "Roger" quite a few times!

About half-way through the baseball season the coach had the catcher (who played well) start playing second base and I took his position as catcher. Interestingly, I no longer had the fear of making a mistake and I did quite well at that position.  I'm not sure why, but I think that it was because I was actively involved in the game every pitch and I was no longer anticipating a ball being hit to me that I could possibly mess up.

More on Toxic Shame   

As mentioned, toxic shame can manifest in many different ways.  I did not know back in high school that shame was at the core of my issue.  I only knew that I had fear and my behavior (unable to easily throw to first base during a play) was irrational.  There are many behaviors whereby toxic shame is the underlying driver of a certain behavior but the person doesn't realize it.

In January of this year we wrote a blog post that focused on toxic shame.  It was entitled, "2026 Resolution No.1 'Identifying and Removing Toxic Shame.'"  We strongly recommend reading that post, which can be found HERE.  In addition to this, chapter 8:  "Shame and the Lies We Believe" in our book, The Missing Commandment: Love Yourself, goes into greater depth to understand and deal with this common issue.  Click HERE to go to that chapter.

Blessings,

Jerry and Denise Basel

www.jerryanddenisebasel.com

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